We just couldn’t help but notice the ridiculous stories coming out about Newcastle United these days all seem to be from the Daily Mail.
Chris Mort – is the club really being infiltrated – we think so
There was the story from the Mail last week that Kevin Keegan had just two games to start winning, or he would be pushed upstairs. Not sacked mind you – just pushed upstairs.
So obviously the Mail has some special connections inside the club, because usually the reports say the manager will be sacked.
There’s also a story published by the Mail on Saturday which is full of innuendo and thick plots detailing the plots going on between Dennis Wise and Kevin Keegan.
One such disclosure was that while Kevin Keegan and his Newcastle team were getting thrashed by Liverpool 3-0 last Saturday, Dennis Wise was out with his wife in theater-land to see the Lion King in London.
Wow – that just about tells you how bad things really are at Newcastle with our staff doesn’t it.
But we kid you not, and in fact that’s the headline for the article. Obviously this is very serious business and while it’s a long article, the news information in the story is minimal, in fact very minimal indeed – as in zero.
But it’s becoming clear to us the Mail somehow has infiltrated the Newcastle United hierarchy and its secrets. So much for Chairman Mort’s new security measures at the club – they’re obviously not working Chris. 🙁
We have over the last two days gained some delicate information about how the Daily Mail gets all these top inside stories from the club, which we understand the club is trying mightily to cover up.
Our inside information is the Daily Mail have hired two Russian spies and they are camping out about 123 yards (that’s an approximation we know) from the Little Benton Training ground, where the first team squad trains. We understand they are camping out in tents, but the tents are so well disguised, it’s almost impossible to pinpoint their exact location. We understand attempts to trace them using Google Earth were not successful.
We cannot say much more than that, otherwise the case could be broken wide open, and we promised we would try to keep a lid on it, as a prerequisite to getting this amazing information.
Our understanding is that the Russian spies are from Russia and they are not men. We cannot elaborate any more on that piece of the case, it’s that delicate. But we can say there’s no truth in the rumor that transvestites are being used as decoys.
We do understand however, that is one way the Mail is getting their information from Newcastle United.
There have also been reported sightings of German Shepherd dogs, disguised in Newcastle’s training gear – so they wouldn’t be out of place when working on the training ground at Little Benton.
When asked what the purpose of the dogs were, we were told “they were just sniffing around” for information.
Before we went to press with this story, which may well break open once and for all how the Mail gets their inside stories from Newcastle, we asked the hierarchy at Mail Sports, if they had any comment on our forthcoming revelations.
We got a rather interesting response, which tells us an awful lot. We were told “What?”.
That’s a telling statement in itself. But we believe it’s Russian code that says the information we have is in fact true. That’s why we finally decided to go to press on this story late Saturday night (USA EDT time).
And yes we can finally reveal the plot:
The Daily Mail are using Russian spies (who are not men) and disguised German Shepherd dogs, to get extremely delicate information from the Newcastle United Football Club.
That’s why they always seem to be one step ahead of their junk sports paper competitors, in their continuous gossip reporting on Newcastle United.
Well, there you have it.
We are not permitted to tell you how we got hold of this sensational information for security reasons.
What we can say is this story is still more realistic than the stories the Mail has been putting out on Newcastle United over the last few weeks. 😀