The Mail’s Delicate Stories on Newcastle


We just couldn’t help but notice the ridiculous stories coming out about Newcastle United these days all seem to be from the Daily Mail.

chris-mort.gif

Chris Mort – is the club really being infiltrated – we think so

There was the story from the Mail last week that Kevin Keegan had just two games to start winning, or he would be pushed upstairs. Not sacked mind you – just pushed upstairs.

So obviously the Mail has some special connections inside the club, because usually the reports say the manager will be sacked.

There’s also a story published by the Mail on Saturday which is full of innuendo and thick plots detailing the plots going on between Dennis Wise and Kevin Keegan.

One such disclosure was that while Kevin Keegan and his Newcastle team were getting thrashed by Liverpool 3-0 last Saturday, Dennis Wise was out with his wife in theater-land to see the Lion King in London.

Wow – that just about tells you how bad things really are at Newcastle with our staff doesn’t it.

But we kid you not, and in fact that’s the headline for the article. Obviously this is very serious business and while it’s a long article, the news information in the story is minimal, in fact very minimal indeed – as in zero.

But it’s becoming clear to us the Mail somehow has infiltrated the Newcastle United hierarchy and its secrets. So much for Chairman Mort’s new security measures at the club – they’re obviously not working Chris. 🙁

We have over the last two days gained some delicate information about how the Daily Mail gets all these top inside stories from the club, which we understand the club is trying mightily to cover up.

Our inside information is the Daily Mail have hired two Russian spies and they are camping out about 123 yards (that’s an approximation we know) from the Little Benton Training ground, where the first team squad trains. We understand they are camping out in tents, but the tents are so well disguised, it’s almost impossible to pinpoint their exact location. We understand attempts to trace them using Google Earth were not successful.

We cannot say much more than that, otherwise the case could be broken wide open, and we promised we would try to keep a lid on it, as a prerequisite to getting this amazing information.

Our understanding is that the Russian spies are from Russia and they are not men. We cannot elaborate any more on that piece of the case, it’s that delicate. But we can say there’s no truth in the rumor that transvestites are being used as decoys.

We do understand however, that is one way the Mail is getting their information from Newcastle United.

There have also been reported sightings of German Shepherd dogs, disguised in Newcastle’s training gear – so they wouldn’t be out of place when working on the training ground at Little Benton.

When asked what the purpose of the dogs were, we were told “they were just sniffing around” for information.

Before we went to press with this story, which may well break open once and for all how the Mail gets their inside stories from Newcastle, we asked the hierarchy at Mail Sports, if they had any comment on our forthcoming revelations.

We got a rather interesting response, which tells us an awful lot. We were told “What?”.

That’s a telling statement in itself. But we believe it’s Russian code that says the information we have is in fact true. That’s why we finally decided to go to press on this story late Saturday night (USA EDT time).

And yes we can finally reveal the plot:

The Daily Mail are using Russian spies (who are not men) and disguised German Shepherd dogs, to get extremely delicate information from the Newcastle United Football Club.

That’s why they always seem to be one step ahead of their junk sports paper competitors, in their continuous gossip reporting on Newcastle United.

Well, there you have it.

We are not permitted to tell you how we got hold of this sensational information for security reasons.

What we can say is this story is still more realistic than the stories the Mail has been putting out on Newcastle United over the last few weeks. 😀

Comments welcome.



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30 comments so far

  • iain

    Mar 16, 2008 at 6:46 AM

    Comment #1

    remember this is the paper that ran a story saying nufc had been sold to some foriegn investment company only for it it to be wrong. they never had asniff of a story when ashley eventualy took over. that ran a stroy about kluivert casuing bother in a hotel months after it actually happened yet passing it off as yesterdays news.

    the mails sports writer bob cass is a good friend of freddy shepard and alan oliver of the chronicle other sports journalists have stated as such on sky programmes when repeatadly asking what insdie info bob cass could get of his good mate shepard.

    incidently alan olivers brother still has a job as press secetery at nufc the only person i know of that kept his job from the previos regime.

    there story today about wise being in trouble for not being at the liverpool game is odd, exactly what good would he be doing the club watching us loose another game we could never get anything from to start with ??? i doubt MA and mort need wise at every game to hold there hands do they.

    what effect exactly does a board room level scout have on team performance or moral ???

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  • tonygreenthetannerballmagician

    Mar 16, 2008 at 7:25 AM

    Comment #2

    The erudite scribes that work for the Daily Mail are beginning to **** me off with this constant garbage about our football club.I think it’s about time they gave this “club” and its supporters a break and focused on proper issues within the football world!!.

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  • Eric

    Mar 16, 2008 at 8:02 AM

    Comment #3

    Have written in recently on the scurrilous lies the Mail says about NUFC. Read their shite online. Flatly refuse to buy it. Same for the bullshit in the N of T W and the Sun. Prefer NUFC.com and this great blog site.

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  • jeff

    Mar 16, 2008 at 8:19 AM

    Comment #4

    Ive read some untrue facts from the same paper too….I emailed back but I doubt they will read a true fans comments….They sit behind their desks and veiw the club from the outside world instead of actually coming up and interviewing supporters to find out what we really think…..Southern Wa**ers!!!!! Its about time someone from the club stood up to them and put a stop to it……………..But then again they would either change the story or make things worse….Tossers…..Alan Oliver too,He is supposed to be covering The toon but all he does is cover it with negativity.

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  • guest

    Mar 16, 2008 at 9:02 AM

    Comment #5

    Brilliant article!
    Now lets hit them where it really hurts and stop buying their rubbish paper

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  • Graham

    Mar 16, 2008 at 9:21 AM

    Comment #6

    So what if Dennis Wise is out with his wife? He is not connected with the playing squad in any way shape of form as he is involved with player recruitment!

    I for one, couldnt understand why he was watching newcastle players the other week instead of looking at new talent.

    Not worth drawing any more breath out of this one…

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  • toonhitman

    Mar 16, 2008 at 9:22 AM

    Comment #7

    bob cass the twat hes a newcastle journo who writes crap for the mail

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  • geordie_jordan

    Mar 16, 2008 at 9:28 AM

    Comment #8

    a question: who do we want to win between wigan-bolton tonight? or is a draw best???

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  • iain

    Mar 16, 2008 at 9:29 AM

    Comment #9

    whats gets me is the mail can then in the same day print this…

    ‘It’s a mess,’ one Premier League coach of a top-10 club told me. So what is the problem? ‘THE PLAYERS. There’s NOT really ONE there you would want, with the possible exceptions of Mark Viduka and James Milner. They’re struggling in defence and midfield, and Michael Owen is probably not a top-four player any more. It’s not just down to mismanagement and bad coaching. It’s about the players.

    how can the paper not pick up on this and make more of it, when its an actuall factuall assement from someone who will actually know what there talking about ???

    but i guess they would rather see keegan fail.

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  • A geordiedoonsooth

    Mar 16, 2008 at 9:30 AM

    Comment #10

    It’s been well known for a long time that Bob Cass is a Sunderland Mackem. Enough said

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  • tonygreenthetannerballmagician

    Mar 16, 2008 at 9:47 AM

    Comment #11

    BREAKING NEWS-DENNIS WISE HAS BEEN DEKED OOT WITH HIS DOG ON BAMBURGH BEACH.DOES THIS MEAN MORE UNDERHAND DEALINGS ARE TO BEFALL THE TOON AND WE ARE TO SELF IMPLODE!!(KEEP THE FAITH)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

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  • Gloryhunter

    Mar 16, 2008 at 9:49 AM

    Comment #12

    Sensational news from the Sunday Bum today:
    ‘David Blaine was said to be “gutted” when he discovered that his 44 day record of doing f**k all in a box was smashed by Michael Owen’

    (Hope he’s benched for the morrow)

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  • dougnufc

    Mar 16, 2008 at 9:54 AM

    Comment #13

    Newcastle chief Vetere checked on Sevilla’s Fabiano – Tribalfootball,

    http://www.tribalfootball.com/article.php?id=83360

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  • toonhitman

    Mar 16, 2008 at 9:55 AM

    Comment #14

    nice one gloryhunter lol

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  • ronaldeano

    Mar 16, 2008 at 9:55 AM

    Comment #15

    @Ed, they should have used live.com, its better than google earth!! You can get a proper birds eye view about 14 meters above your house.

    They would have seen them Russian trannies if they had installed Microsofts version ‘vertual earth’ !!!! 🙂

    The photos of them would be on the front page of the News Of The World next week!!!

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  • ronaldeano

    Mar 16, 2008 at 9:57 AM

    Comment #16

    Headline….. Russian Trannies Spy on Newcastles Darsley Park training ground!

    Class! 🙂

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  • Gloryhunter

    Mar 16, 2008 at 10:03 AM

    Comment #17

    Headlines of the the day:

    Commies in Cammie knickers!

    Binoculared bi-sexual Boris in booze up with bottle of dog.

    Red Rudolph in brown-nosed frenzy with Anal Oliver.

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  • JEFF

    Mar 16, 2008 at 10:03 AM

    Comment #18

    THINK IT WOULD BE BEST 4 US IF WIGAN BEAT BOLTO – WILL KEEP BOLTON DOWN THERE………. BUT ALL THE OTHER TEAMS IN OUR POSITION ARE SHOWING LOTSA BOTTLE AND PICKING UP UNEXPECTED POINTS , WE ARNT. DONT BANK ON US GETTING ANYTHING FROM BHAM !!!!!

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  • Eric

    Mar 16, 2008 at 10:03 AM

    Comment #19

    The Sunday press is at it again! Owen for Man City. May be some truth in it. We should consider it if true. A replacement coach for Keegan? Bullshit. These Fleet Street apparatchiks must be pissed as farts when they make up their crap. Either that or its a malicious plot! Do they get paid more for lies? Roll on Monday when we may show the press where to go and….

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  • Leo

    Mar 16, 2008 at 10:09 AM

    Comment #20

    what a strange story…

    who cares is wise is at the theatre with his family during the game, he isnt a coach, he is a scout i thought…

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  • Henry Wilt

    Mar 16, 2008 at 10:09 AM

    Comment #21

    Very amusing article Ed.
    Just a couple of points on the comments. Bob Cass and Alan Oliver are not friends. They fell out when they both rubbished each other’s stories regarding the next boss of NUFC. Cass said it was Allardyce when Oliver said it was Roeder. Oliver got it right. It culminated in a scrap – seriously – in the NUFC press room on the first home game of last season v Wigan and the pair had to be separated.
    Secondly Gary Oliver – the NUFC press officer -is not Alan’s brother and they are not related. They share the same surname that’s all.
    Thirdly, the Mail are going to banned from SJP, if they aren’t already, because of the damaging, inaccurate and sensational stories written by the scum who work for the paper. One reporter is from Sheffield whereas the other is a Geordie and, as NUFC.COM rightly say ‘he’s a shit-stirrer masquerading as an NUFC supporter’.
    Unfortunatley, NUFC match reports and stories will appear in the paper as an agency will ensure it does so. As far as everything else is concerned – there is an agenda against the club from the outside. Let’s hope the club can turn it around eh?

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  • Bert Shaft

    Mar 16, 2008 at 10:13 AM

    Comment #22

    What needs to be found out and quickly is who is trying to destabilise the club by starting off the constant flow of unsettling rumours.
    These people must be outed and stop.

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  • Gloryhunter

    Mar 16, 2008 at 10:21 AM

    Comment #23

    I blame the parents. Who gives a toss what they write about us? It’s time to worry when they aint making up stories about us. I mean, who would want to play for a team who are lampooned on a daily basis and only pay you £K110 a week?

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  • George

    Mar 16, 2008 at 11:31 AM

    Comment #24

    Watch out Ed this article is self exploding if prior info is believed.
    maybe it is the Mails ability to make up such fantastic unbelievable comments that make it sound believable.
    Mind you, i have it on good authority that Walt Disney has been after the Mails reporters for years as thier counterparts the US scriptwriters are not too imaginative.
    Anyway, lets face it, they get the reaction they want and it sells papers.
    Did you here the story about KK, he is starring in Disneys new epic, “The Man Who Was King”.

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  • Punk Skunk

    Mar 16, 2008 at 12:07 PM

    Comment #25

    Serving suggestion: DON’T READ/BUY BLUES/SNOOZE/’SO CALLED’ NEWS PAPERS & THE CONSTANT PAP THEY WRITE!..
    …BOYCOTT THEM, LIKE LIVERPOOL FANS DO THE SUN!..WASTE OF TREES!..

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  • Nufcian

    Mar 16, 2008 at 12:34 PM

    Comment #26

    I’m constantly amazed at the Mails ability to get something so wrong, at every turn, in-fact I think these Russian She-He’s have been turned by Roy Keane, and Keane’s labradors have ‘groomed’ the German Shepherds to a likewise change in allegiance 😉

    Either that or the Daily Mail, and most of the other press, are full of shysters who are too lazy and ‘stoopid’ to do any real work so make up stories… and NUFC, contrary to the fact we are obviously a small club…inferred from the constant ‘you’re not a big club’ – though I am not saying we are 😉 … can sell column inches.

    The press have had it far too easy, it’s about time clubs (it’s not just us, it just seems that way 😉 ) actually took a united stand too challenge these stories… I’m sure these ‘sources’ would soon dry up.

    PS. As I understand it, ‘sources’ in press parlance is another word for “4 pints of stella and 2 double JD’s in the local boozer with a fella called either John, Smith, or John Smith”.

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  • lee

    Mar 16, 2008 at 12:54 PM

    Comment #27

    glad somebody said it the stories that have been coning out are just ridiculous

    if you watched the sunday supplement you will have noticed a journal from where else but the mail (not sure if he wrote those stories) though not important cos if there from the same paper they are bound to keep in touch any way what he said was that he thinks ….key word thinks not knows that keegan will be sacked and moved upstairs and gave no indixation that he is IN THE KNOW so why give off the impression that he or they generally have contacts with in the club fair enough hes a journal he lies its thier job its what they do

    i guess the point oft the story is what we already know its a load of bull

    TOON TOON HATE THE JOUTNALS TOON TOON HATE THE JOURNALS

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  • tony

    Mar 16, 2008 at 3:06 PM

    Comment #28

    ban the daily crap from st james

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  • Geordie Joe

    Mar 16, 2008 at 4:49 PM

    Comment #29

    Ed – sorry to be pedantic but you keep saying the training ground is in Little Benton. Its called Long Benton. I actually live just a 2 minute walk from the training ground. I can see it out me window.

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  • Chris F

    Mar 16, 2008 at 10:57 PM

    Comment #30

    shockingly enough, the comment i left on the mail on sunday website’s article about Wise not being at the game hasn’t been put up on the page.

    must’ve been ‘moderated’.

    it’s plain to see that they dislike any opinion other than the one they most recently pulled out of their arse regarding us, but i suppose that explains why their articles are all a load of crap.

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