Newcastle’s Summer Transfer Strategy Revealed

Well would you believe it – but we have come across what looks like Newcastle’s strategy this summer for signing new players, which may be one of the most important transfer windows for at least ten years.

mike ashley white shirt

Mike Ashley – transfer strategy for the summer finally unearthed

We have secured what looks like the original transfer strategy document, and we have slightly expanded each of the points for clarity.

Here’s what looks like the official transfer strategy this summer – and it makes sense – at least to us it does:

  • Play down any ambitions the Newcastle fans may have by stating up front  “we will not over pay for any player this summer”  – repeat as many times as necessary throughout the summer
  • When bidding for any player always put in a (very) low first bid for the player, but not too low that it may offend the selling club, because we still want the player – but only at the lowest fee possible
  • With the second bid, if necessary,  state this is “our last and final offer” – the selling club may even believe it
  • Regularly have Alan Pardew come out and say we are working hard behind the scenes, but that it may still be a difficult transfer window for Newcastle – we have to ensure the fans know this is difficult stuff
  • Tell the fans that some big money has been made available by Mike Ashley, but that because our transfer targets are top-notch and in big demand, it’s not easy to get them to the club
  • Tell the fans we will only spend money on players we need and want – and we will not spend money for spending’s sake – just in case they think we like spending money
  • If necessary have Alan Pardew come out with his “we cannot compete with the top clubs” speech – as many times as necessary until September
  • Stress the fact we have been working hard since January on trying to get (very) good players into the club

Note to readers – this is not meant to be a serious article – at least we hope it isn’t. 😀

In truth we hope Newcastle have a wildly successful transfer window this summer – and that’s still possible.

Comments welcome.

16 comments so far

  • Jail for Ashley

    Jun 2, 2014 at 2:10 PM

    Comment #1

    It may not be a serious article but it seems like a document stolen from Charnley himself.

  • Magpies4Life

    Jun 2, 2014 at 2:11 PM

    Comment #2

    Looks like you were in the email cc. Legit stuff.

  • lesh

    Jun 2, 2014 at 2:21 PM

    Comment #3

    Repost from previous thread – relevant nevertheless:

    Southampton achieved its aim and fulfilled its five year plan under Katharina Liebherr’s stewardship.

    Maybe Ashley needs to seek some guidance from her – he seems to be seeing a five year plan in the same light as one Joseph Stalin…… and operating in the same way too!!!

  • Average_Contents

    Jun 2, 2014 at 2:23 PM

    Comment #4


    This is by far the best article you have published to date, kinda makes you wonder if this is in fact the directive handed down by fatty! Wouldn’t surprise me in the fcuking slightest tbh!

  • Average_Contents

    Jun 2, 2014 at 2:25 PM

    Comment #5


    That’s exactly what he’s doing

    Communism at its finest!

  • Average_Contents

    Jun 2, 2014 at 2:26 PM

    Comment #6

    Maybe the fan’s need to employ someone of churchills ilk to rectify the problem

    A détente is needed and fast

  • beermonkey

    Jun 2, 2014 at 2:30 PM

    Comment #7


    Southampton have done really well
    don’t know how true it is with reguards to debt but they will sell llana shaw and lambert and maybe another
    but they got got players breaking through they have a great foundation to build on and if they carry on they
    could see themselves challenge for Europe each year
    I am sure when the club was selling the likes of Walcott chamberlin bale they were frustrated but its worked out great for them

  • croftus5678

    Jun 2, 2014 at 2:32 PM

    Comment #8

    ok after good transfer links and the perez rumoured to be signed already i had high hopes that we were actually doing something for a change.

    sadly i’m now thinking its same old same old and that everything is just paper talk and we havent actually done anything !

    was expecting 1 or 2 signings on 1st day to put everyones mind at ease as they have had plenty of time to work on these deals but…………..i’m glad i never renewed my ticket if the club is trying to con the fans with lies yet again.

  • Mike's Iron Curtain

    Jun 2, 2014 at 2:37 PM

    Comment #9

    Infinite loop of misery. Think long and hard about what you’re supporting and how your time and monry could be better spent, with all the richness of experiences to be had in the world. That grotesque sub-human in the picture has paralysed the club. No other option but to abdicate our support.

  • lesh

    Jun 2, 2014 at 3:34 PM

    Comment #10

    AC – yup, Comrade Ashley’s taking the life blood out of Newcastle United while living in his opulance.

    And it’s off to a Gulag if anyone doesn’t agree with or criticises him or his so called priciples – if there are any!

  • lesh

    Jun 2, 2014 at 3:39 PM

    Comment #11

    Average…. It’s not a détente that’s needed it’s a bomb up his jacksy to focus him on Newcastle United and its customers who are becoming more and more disillusioned with each day of its slow strangulation.

  • usmagpie

    Jun 2, 2014 at 4:33 PM

    Comment #12

    Ed, Ed, Ed. Sorry but please give us some new news, this has been our policy ever since Ashley took over Newcastle. The thing I don’t understand is, if we go after a player yes by all mean start the bid low as you never know they may sell us the player for that amount. But they must know the amount the clubs would take and if the view is this player should cost 10 Million and we offer 6 million and the other club say you can have him for 8.5 well take the deal. But NO, we go in offer 6 million knowing the payer is worth 10 million and then don’t go back with the 8.5 the club wants, instead Everton or Swansea or Stoke go after that player and get him, Graham Carr should have an open door policy and scout for the whole prem, I mean this is what his does anyway correct.

  • adwend

    Jun 2, 2014 at 4:46 PM

    Comment #13

    Ed did the document not say to tell pardew to say ..we just couldn’t get him over the line .

  • Grumpy

    Jun 2, 2014 at 7:43 PM

    Comment #14

    Ha Ha Ha good one, you forgot to say keep it a secret.

  • musomag

    Jun 2, 2014 at 7:50 PM

    Comment #15

    Sorry Ed, but this makes me angry. Maybe it’s just me but I’m so F’ing hacked off that I can’t even begin to see post this as funny. My sense of humour about Ashleys rapey regime at this club is non-existent. Between this and the constant rubbish stories about BS transfer ‘targets’….I really don’t know how you can be bothered.

  • FAU

    Jun 3, 2014 at 5:05 AM

    Comment #16

    THIS IS TRUE. I want Bill Gates to buy this club. He gives us 100mil transfer budget each season, and we help him promote microsoft and his foundation.


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