Newcastle Already Planning For The Summer

If Newcastle do survive in the Premier League next Sunday,  because Hull City cannot beat Manchester United at home, there will be a post-mortem held immediately on what went wrong this year.

And with so much going wrong that may take some time to complete – but one problem at the club is there is too much of a clique at Newcastle, with people who are unqualified being appointed to important positions in the club – and that’s why we are where we are today.

john carver at QPR

John Carver – out of his depth – completely

Lee Charnley was promoted from within just over a year ago to become the top executive at Newcastle,  and has shown he seems to have no experience in how to manage things in general, and he’s simply become a mouthpiece for owner Mike Ashley.

That view is based completely on the decisions he has made over the last six months – which are the main reason Newcastle are in the mess we are in now.

One poor decision was to appoint another of the in-crowd – Join Carver – to the head coach position.

John was untested at the highest level – and now we know why he’s never been a head coach except for a year in the MLS with newly created Toronto FC, and he left by mutual consent just after a year.

John’s appointment as head coach has resulted in the club falling like a lead balloon in the league,  and we are now 4th bottom, just 2 points above Hull, who have helped us with three successive defeats.

We are now in real danger of being relegated after our final game on Sunday.

John Carver has said there will be a post-mortem after the final game, and his use of that phrase says just how bad the side has performed this year:

“I’d certainly rather be in our position where we already have the points ahead of them.” “But we haven’t got to worry about them we have to concentrate on themselves and let ourselves take care of the business.”

“I know when we go to St James’ next week the atmosphere will be electric. It might be what gets us over the line.” “Then in the summer we will sit down and have a post-mortem.”

It’s interesting to look at a couple of definitions of post-mortem:

  1. Occurring or done after death.
  2. Of or relating to a medical examination of a dead body.

That seems like an appropriate use of the term by Carver.

If we are relegated there will be no post-mortem – because cost cutting moves and a new list of summer transfer targets – which will be much cheaper and not as good – will have to be drawn up quickly.

The club will downsize, because of the significantly reduced revenues in the Championship, and people will lose their jobs.

Relegation is now a disaster waiting to happen at Newcastle, with six days to go before we’ll know.

Comments welcome.

146 comments so far

  • SpecialK

    May 18, 2015 at 9:02 AM

    Comment #1

    John Tudor

    After reading your post last night on a previous thread about how you would like to see Mike Ashley tortured and killed, I have a question for you…. are you a serial killer?

  • sparky55

    May 18, 2015 at 9:15 AM

    Comment #2

    We will become pariah’s of the footballing world if we go down…no-one will want to manage the club because the chances of us going down again to to Division 1 will be very high indeed. None of the existing playing staff will stay apart from those like Williamson who just want a job and will find their level in the championship and DIV 1 so long as they have a wage of course…it’ll be like lambs to the slaughter and one previous poster said…like turkeys voting for xmas.

    No more stepping stone mercanaries because the championship is a shit shopping window to put yourself in and with nothing but inexperienced kids and a squad who will be thrown together from the out of contract acrap heap and have never played together before…it’ll be a massacre managed by the only person who would do it because he’s a geordie…good old John Carver who will then become the best manager in the championship even though he’ll lose another 10 in a row and set a new record in the championship

  • Laurent Robert 32

    May 18, 2015 at 9:17 AM

    Comment #3

    John, what should help them get ‘over the line’ is knowing what they’re all doing as a group of players working together around the pitch.

    Last resort, turn yourselves from a library to cheering for a game to get us a win… Pathetic. Last chance saloon stuff due to Ashley’s gross negligence, and your own incapability and stubbornness not to resign despite abysmal results and performances which could lead to us being relegated.

  • Average_Contents

    May 18, 2015 at 9:25 AM

    Comment #4


    I’d be willing to forgo humanity if it meant I could get my hands on fatty.

    Extremely worrying yes but I’d gladly do it for toon fans around the world.

    Take one for the team so to speak.

    No thanks needed.

  • mickalfas

    May 18, 2015 at 9:25 AM

    Comment #5

    No doubt the post mortem will take so long that the club won’t have time to improve the squad (get players over the line ),or the main priority to get rid of the whole training regime ,from top to bottom

    The results can’t be argued with they have to go now ,muppets all of them

    Arsley out NOW !!!

  • Average_Contents

    May 18, 2015 at 9:30 AM

    Comment #6

    Post mortem? Correct me if I’m wrong which I’m not but isn’t that a procedure reserved for the dead.

    That’s the one thing he’s got correct then isn’t it.

    Honest john will be far too busy to be involved, he’s away on his jollies is he not. On the Wednesday I believe he said.

    They will say immediately after the seasons finished is too soon to hold any sort of inquest so we’ll let the dust settle first, by which time no head coach will of been sounded out and no players will be signed. We just didn’t have enough time.

    That old chestnut. Guaranteed.

  • Average_Contents

    May 18, 2015 at 9:34 AM

    Comment #7

    Well, apart from the odd freebie and duffers obviously.

    Mickalfas beat me to the “we didn’t have time” scenario.

    Glad I’m not the only one who sees it 😀

    Wanna join a gang? Shall we make one up? People like talking about gangs on here for some reason.

  • hibbit

    May 18, 2015 at 9:36 AM

    Comment #8

    if ashley sells or not it is now up to the fans to decide which way to jump even IF we stay up it will be another season of shit ashley wont change

  • Average_Contents

    May 18, 2015 at 9:37 AM

    Comment #9



    Bit weird that last one. I don’t really know you……..yet (evil grin)

    Contact ibiza. He’s the boss of one gang apparently.

    The C0cknose gang.

  • Average_Contents

    May 18, 2015 at 9:38 AM

    Comment #10

    Don’t worry I’ll get me coat….

  • JackButler

    May 18, 2015 at 9:39 AM

    Comment #11

    People are mad if they think for one second that lessons have been learnt. Ashley does not care and if we survive he will see this whole season as a huge success as he spent as little as possible received a few million for Pardew and pocketed a huge portion of the TV money.

  • N1CK06

    May 18, 2015 at 9:40 AM

    Comment #12

    Even our useless manager admits the club is dead,

    It would be great to have a funeral for our dead club outside SJP right after the final whistle this weekend. Imagine that, 50,000+ fans holding hands making a circle around SJP as a sign of saying goodbye to what was Newcastle United Football Club.

  • hibbit

    May 18, 2015 at 9:42 AM

    Comment #13

    IF we stay up ashley will have won his bet and come out a big winner

  • sparky55

    May 18, 2015 at 9:43 AM

    Comment #14

    the timing is right now…I think he’ll sell as soon as we go down…he’ll get enough enjoyment from manufacturing our downfall to fulfil his lust for revenge and then watch someone else loose the real money as we slide into division 1

    Job done!

  • Average_Contents

    May 18, 2015 at 9:45 AM

    Comment #15

    As you can see I’m extremely bored.

    Mondays are shit. Waiting around all day for work tonight.

    Tuesdays marginally better as I’m asleep and don’t have to listen to the shit that spews from the club orifices 😀

    Career change soon though. Back on the rail. Yay. Normal 12hr days, not that anyone’s arsed 😀

  • hibbit

    May 18, 2015 at 9:47 AM

    Comment #16

    sparky that all depends on the buy and the type of people he brings in………. i don’t think ashley will sell i hope i am wrong

  • Average_Contents

    May 18, 2015 at 9:49 AM

    Comment #17


    Exactly right. Huge success and more of the same next season if we do manage to stay up. Showing everyone he can buck the footballing trend. Look what I did.

    Fat fcuk.

    Depressing isn’t the word.

  • Average_Contents

    May 18, 2015 at 10:01 AM

    Comment #18

    Thought I’d post this as it gave me a chuckle on this dreary Monday morning. Did I mention I hate Mondays? No? I hate Mondays.

    Open letter to Sir Richard Branson:

    For Sale – Football Club… One Careless Owner

    I pride myself that after 58 years on this hurtling boulder I don’t hate anyone, not even the ex-wife.

    I am however prepared to make two possible exceptions in the shape of Mike Ashley and David Cameron. Now this is about the Toon which, everyone knows, is way more important than politics, so I think we should leave DC there.

    I am in the Ashley out and Boycott the world etc camp, but in an effort to come up with something different I thought a letter to a prospective buyer might move things, enema like, forward; so!

    Dear Sir Richard Branson (Or any other credible very rich person)

    Please come and buy our football club.

    As I’m sure you are aware, Newcastle United, by any measure, is a large Premier league (just…) football club with in excess of 50,000 tapped, and tens of thousands more untapped supporters.

    It has a wonderful 52,000 seat stadium located very near the centre of our wonderful and vibrant city, we are the only football club here, meaning that the club enjoys the full and undivided devotion of supporters for miles around.

    The present, and not very careful, owner Mr Mike Ashley has, since the start of his tenure, used this once great, although not very successful, institution to promote his business empire. His prerogative you may think, however he has chosen to do this in the most harmful way possible.

    Initially the devoted and much maligned fans saw a saviour, someone who would steady the ship and in time, bring about a modicum of pride in their team.

    You see, contrary to what some would have you believe, the fans of Newcastle United do not expect to beat the world, just the ‘Mackems’, that’s those lot from Sunderland.

    Unfortunately, Mr Ashley has gone for ‘Total Business’ and he has no idea that there’s a sport involved here. I’m sure being the kind of ‘Go Getter’ you are, you will appreciate that the raison d’etre of a football club is ultimately to get the small round leather thing into the large oblong netty thing, he hasn’t a scooby bless him.

    So, he has just about starved the football side to death to promote his business. Someone like me, who doesn’t have two brass razoos to rub together, or the proverbial blind man on the galloping horse, can see that with a bit of thought, careful management and investment, the marriage between sport and business can be a very good one for all.

    I’m talking myself into thinking that just maybe the football/business model might not be so poisonous after all; but please don’t go thinking you can rename the stadium, that would be like calling St Peter’s Basilica the God Direct Arena. That is just plain daft but a synergy of team investment and business promotion could be the answer.

    Virgin already has an affinity with the Toon after buying up Northern Rock and briefly being shirt sponsors; so please Mr Branson contact Mr Greedy, I reckon you can pick up the club for a mere £250 million, pocket money to you.

    For our part. we will come to the games and buy all of your nice merchandise, we won’t even expect to win stuff, just to try.

    Yours sincerely


    – See more at:

  • lesh

    May 18, 2015 at 10:01 AM

    Comment #19

    Already planning for the summer are they? Planning on the basis of relegation no doubt!

    So, by appointing and persisting with Carver has forced the clowns into damage recovery planning. That was going to be inevitable after Carver’s first few games in charge.

    And now that McLaren and seemingly Garde have ruled themselves out of a move to SJP, the whole recruitment process, an opportunity to make progress, seems to have gone.

    So much for Charnley’s confidence that recruitment could be restarted this summer – we need somebody in or at least firmed up, now!

    But no, rather than prevent our current plight, they’ve hoped that Carver’d provide the answer post-Pardew.

    Charnley’s been an absolute disaster, he’s driven Ashley’s bus when he’s clearly incapable of tying his shoelaces and worst of all, Ashley’s presided over the crash.

    This is another volume in the book of musmanagent!

  • BoyDoneGood

    May 18, 2015 at 10:13 AM

    Comment #20


    “I think BDG… far more admirable for not camouflaging… support for Ashley…”

    I’d love an example of this uncamouflaged support, or indeed any support. Hoping the guy will do the right thing in the summer is – think about it – a criticism, rather than an endorsement, of what he has done so far.

  • Ibizatoon

    May 18, 2015 at 10:15 AM

    Comment #21

    AC…The “c0cknose gang” is an exclusive gang of one mate. It’s just me being me 🙂

    This obssession with gangs and cliques has been going on a long time. The only one I will entertain the idea of being true is OV. It was misguided, but at the time, it was heartfelt. We all make mistakes.

    As for today, I don’t see gangs or groups, I see a fan base in despair. We don’t need gangs, we need fan movement. If people insist on attacking the man or idea, rather than genuinely discussing ways forward, then it will appear that gangs are being formed.

    It’s all ridiculous. As far as I see it, at the end of the day, there can only really be two groups. Those who want Ashley out and are willing to fight for it, and those that don’t.

    That is where I see us as being.

    Anyway, as it appears you have experience working on the railroad, can you tell me who was strumming the old banjo in the kitchen with Dinah?

  • Blackley and Brownlie

    May 18, 2015 at 10:16 AM

    Comment #22


    Have you had a bump on the head? You come out with the wackiest comments. Incredible!

  • headtheball

    May 18, 2015 at 10:16 AM

    Comment #23

    Ha1 Ha! John Cadaver, alias Dead Man Walking, talking about post mortems.

  • Mint

    May 18, 2015 at 10:23 AM

    Comment #24

    We actually need Scumb-diddly-umberland to beat Arsenal midweek now, otherwise Man U are confirmed as 4th place.

    They stupidly didnt win yesterday (Blind shot going in but blocked by own team)

    If Man u down tools on the final day, which this Man U side certianly can, we may actually need the win against WH.

  • TheIndianToon

    May 18, 2015 at 10:27 AM

    Comment #25

    Dear Ed, dear All,

    Repost: Do check out my new Monthly on the Fanzine “The Mag”. Hope you like it. Put forth your comments, would love them. Cheers, Rishi

  • Blackley and Brownlie

    May 18, 2015 at 10:29 AM

    Comment #26

    That’s the wittiest comment you’ve come up with. I like it.

  • The overrated Frenchman

    May 18, 2015 at 10:34 AM

    Comment #27

    As I flick from site to site regarding all things NUFC, it’s interesting that’s there’s a clear sense of ambivalence everywhere about next Sunday’s outcome. I think so many are torn between wanting us to stay up (naturally) but thinking that relegation might be for the best if it ends Ashley’s era, the greatest plague the club has had to endure. To think that it has come to this is terribly sad, to say the least.

  • headtheball

    May 18, 2015 at 10:36 AM

    Comment #28

    Glass Eye

    Glad you enjoyed. A little more humour on here wouldn’t come amiss.

  • Blackley and Brownlie

    May 18, 2015 at 10:38 AM

    Comment #29


    It’s interesting to note how expat mags are the ones most vocal in calling for boycotts and expressing their hopes for relegation.

  • Ibizatoon

    May 18, 2015 at 10:40 AM

    Comment #30

    TheIndianToon…Read the article last night, good job.

    “Stop! Remember, a survival is a success, a round of applause in the boardroom of the Company. It will bring some patchwork to certain areas – maybe a defender here, a striker there, and that’s it”

    Ain’t that the truth.

  • one fine day

    May 18, 2015 at 10:42 AM

    Comment #31

    Average contents@18
    We can all dream
    If only dickie read the mag.
    Got me thinking though that if anyone was even considering a buy out they may wait to see what league we are in before showing there hand.
    250 mil for the whole lot ash including the rights to merchandise and all land back sounds fare .
    Sure branston has some very decent legal people to make the slimy twat doesn’t hide anything too.
    Anyways back to Mondays…

  • catchy in norway

    May 18, 2015 at 10:45 AM

    Comment #32

    mouth piece ???

    surely he has to speak to be a mouth piece ?

    charver is a mouth piece , and crap at that too, there is nothing this guy can do,

    shocking appointments all round

  • lochinvar

    May 18, 2015 at 10:48 AM

    Comment #33

    I hear Blackpool’s nice in the summer ?
    Perhaps Ashley, Chanley and Carver could head down that way for a break ….I forget…they’re already going in that direction .

  • Average_Contents

    May 18, 2015 at 10:56 AM

    Comment #34

    Every time I see “OV” I think of ovaries.

    What is this “OV”?

    Not really a gang if it’s just you is it Ibiza. What a nose of c0ck.

    Just little ibiza strumming away on his banjo 😉

    Only joking. Or am I?

    Pleasantries aside, I totally agree mate. You either want him gone or don’t. No gangs it’s just like-minded fans concerned about the way we are run (lack of)

    Anyone recommend any decent films. Don’t bother bellendfast, I’m not into your kind of movies.

  • one fine day

    May 18, 2015 at 10:56 AM

    Comment #35

    Why does ever picture of carver lately look like he has haemorrhoids ?

  • Average_Contents

    May 18, 2015 at 10:58 AM

    Comment #36


    We’re not allowed to dream. Or have pride. Or anything for that matter.

    Snap out of it man/woman.


  • Average_Contents

    May 18, 2015 at 10:59 AM

    Comment #37

    Thanks Ofd

    My miserable Monday just got worse.

  • lochinvar

    May 18, 2015 at 11:01 AM

    Comment #38

    Strange that De Gea threw a sickie against Arsenal at probably his ” last game for Man Unitted ” as reported this morning.
    Hamstring injury …all very convenient.
    I didn’t recall seeing any incident that suggested a hamstring injury ?
    Wouldn’t want to get injured in that last game against the nasty rough boys of Hull managed by an ex Man Utd legend now would we?
    Prefer to be applauded off at Old Trafford as your farewell seems likely.
    And Arsenal gain a point within minutes let in by an untried keeper who will now probably play against Hull.
    FA – are you checking this out ?

  • Rotonda heights

    May 18, 2015 at 11:02 AM

    Comment #39

    Weren’t we promised a post mortem last year after our disastrous run in and the year before that when we came 16th and weren’t we told how lessons would be learned!!!

    Owner: Ashley
    MD: Charnley
    HC: Carver
    Coaches: Stone, Watson and Woodman
    Sponsor: Wonga

    Doesn’t that lot make you proud.

  • Rotonda heights

    May 18, 2015 at 11:04 AM

    Comment #40

    one fine day at 35

    because he’s full of …..


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